Humour is welcome here and almost everything else is not. New parents are exhausted, over-advised, and answering messages one-handed, so a joke that needs no reply is genuinely the kindest thing in the inbox.
The line that matters is the one between joking about the situation and joking about the baby. Sleep, coffee, the photograph frequency, the out-of-office nobody minds — all fair, all shared, all about the parents. Anything about the child's appearance beyond a light word on the resemblance, and anything at all that reads as advice dressed up as a joke, fails.
These are also short by design. A funny message that runs long stops being a break and becomes another thing to get through.
Two cases to avoid the set: a first message to someone you do not know well, where warmth is safer, and any situation where you are unsure how the arrival went. Humour assumes everything is fine. The short set on the main page does not have to.
Archive started 21 August 2026 · last updated 21 August 2026
“Congratulations. You are now legally entitled to send us photographs at a frequency that would be alarming in any other context. We are ready. Delighted for you both.”
“Congratulations on the baby and commiserations on the sleep, which I understand you have signed away for approximately five years. Genuinely thrilled for you both.”
“Congratulations. I expect your coffee consumption to rise to levels that would concern a doctor, and I will be matching you in solidarity. Delighted for you both.”
“Congratulations. I intend to be the relative who teaches this child things you would rather they did not know. Starting in about four years. Thrilled for you both.”
“Congratulations on number two. Spare a thought for the first one, who is about to discover they are no longer the entire point of everything. Delighted for all of you.”
“Congratulations. The photographs are already excessive and I would like considerably more of them.”
“Congratulations. You are about to become extremely good at doing everything with one hand, which is a genuinely marketable skill. Thrilled for you both.”
“Congratulations, and congratulations in particular on finally settling the name argument. I had money on the other one and I am delighted to have lost it.”
“Congratulations. Everyone says you will be naturals, and in your case it is annoyingly likely to be true. Very happy for you both.”
“Congratulations. Your out-of-office is now the most justified one this company has ever received. Please do not come back early.”
“Congratulations. The team has agreed to cover everything and to tell you nothing whatsoever about how it is going. Enjoy the leave.”
“Congratulations. I understand the first weeks are largely a blur, so please treat any message from me as entirely optional. Very pleased for you.”
“Congratulations. Early reports suggest the nose is yours and the volume is definitely from the other side. Wonderful news, every part of it.”
“Congratulations. Be warned that certain relatives are about to become completely insufferable about this, and I include myself in that without apology.”
“Congratulations on the news. The team will manage without you, and will be careful not to make that sound quite as convincing as it just did.”
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